Modern Way of Family
by GrandPiano
Summary: The Pritchett and Dunphy clan are back in this fanfiction. And they have a lot of new secrets, adventures and a whole lot of hilarious jokes for you.
1. Chapter 1

**Baby's, love and other problems**

„Good morning, Honey.", welcomed Claire her husband and handed him a cup of coffee. „Good morning, Darling.", Phil took the coffee out of Claire's hand. „And of course good morning Alex and Haley.", he said. „Good morning Dad.", Alex and Haley said at the same time. „Oh my god!", shouted Haley frightened. „Never do this again!", she looked at her little sister. „You neither.", agreed Alex and turned her glasses. „Isn't it a beautiful day?", smiled Phil and drank a sip of his coffee. „Yeah, I think so.", agreed Claire. „How much time do you have until you have to go to the showing?", she asked Phil. He looked at his watch and said: „Oh, I have still enough time. The showing is just two streets away from here." „Luke!", screamed Claire. „Come down! You have to eat something, before you go to school!"

„Honey, I'll manage it.", reassured Phil his wife. „Just sit down and enjoy your bread.", he pointed to the free seat between Alex and Haley. „Oh. Thank you.", she replied. Phil goes to the stairs and leaned on it. „Luke!", he said loudly. „Come down, you and I know how much you love pancakes and..", he finished his sentence earlier, because he saw Luke running down the stairs. Phil knocked his son on the right shoulder and said. „I knew you would listen to your father.", he said proudly. „Where are my pancakes?", Luke asked greedy, as he came into the kitchen.

„Ohh. Did I say pancakes?", Phil asked thoughtfully. „I meant mandrakes. You must have misheard me, Luke.", he said compassionate. „Why should I come down, if there's a mandrake?", Luke asked a little bit confused.

„Because you're Luke?", answered Alex sarcastic. „Whatever.", Luke said finally. „Can I get a bread or something else?", he asked hungry. Claire wanted to stand up, but Phil said sensitive: „Stay sitting, Sweetheart. I'll manage this too." Claire just nod and remained sitting. Phil took the bread from the toaster and put it on the plate in front of Luke. „Here you go.", he said happily. Luke thanked his Father and bite into his bread.

„Oh my God.", Haley looked at the kitchen clock. „I have to go, otherwise I'll come to late.", she jumped hastily from her seat up.

„Wow.", groaned Claire.

„That I still can experience this.", laughed Alex.

„Hey, don't be so mean.", Claire said seriously. „But you're right. I think she really likes her new job.", agreed Claire.

Haley had a new job in a clothing business for upscale people, where she advise the customers and sell the clothing. Sometimes after but mostly before she goes to work, she even goes to community college, to brighten up her Graduation. Alex is just a few weeks away from going to Princeston and she's very excited. And Luke, Luke does what Luke does best; nothing really important.

A few minutes after Haley goes to work, Alex and Luke went to school and let their parents alone at home.

„Can you imagine, that this will be the sound we'll here in a few years, after Alex goes to College, Haley had her own apartment and Luke.. I don't know Luke does what Luke does?", Claire asked Phil euphoric.

„But I hear nothing?", Phil said confused.

„Ahhh.", he said finally.

„Yes. Ahhh.", Claire imitated her husband.

„Just a few years and I don't need clothes anymore in my house.", raved Phil.

„Well, we can talk about this later.", Claire said carefully. „I need to hurry up. I have a doctor appointment in..", she looked at the clock. „In twenty minutes.", she said fast.

Claire stands up from her seat and gave Phil a kiss to the cheek.

„See you later, alligator.", adopted Phil his wife.

After Claire was gone, Phil clear up the table and shift up the dish into the dishwasher. „Such a beautiful day.", he said to himself.

„Ocultar temas, en serio? No!", Gloria was calling with her mother in Columbia and speaks very loudly, but with a really sexy accent.

„What did she say?", Jay asked his stepson Manny.

„I don't know. I had french lessons last year. I thought you had a Spanish teacher?", Manny asked Jay back.

„Only for two weeks. Spanish was so confusing to me. They scream every time, even if they ask how you are.", Jay replied and drank a sip of his Cappuccino. Manny was holding his coffee in his hands and said: „I understand you." Gloria hang up and asked: „Should I drive you to school, Manny?"

„No.", Manny answered. „But thank you, Mom."

Manny was wearing a black suit and a marine blue hat with a feather.

„Hey, where's Jay gone?", he asked, as he noticed that Jay was no longer sitting next to him on the counter.

„I don't know.", shouted Gloria with a spanish accent. „He's old, maybe he needs to change his nappy.", she laughed.

Manny was sitting on a stool at the counter and his mother Gloria was preparing the breakfast for her two year old baby Joe. She was wearing a tight wine red dress and high heels - her favorite shoes. She can't understand women, who were wearing sneaker or other flat shoes. Gloria dress to impress.

The babyphone shone red and an annoying sound came out of it - it was Joe, who cried.

„I'm on the way, baby Joe.", she said like Joe could understand her.

„Ohh.", cursed Manny. He had intentionally spilled his coffee. Than of course he knew where Jay was gone. Jay had a plan to surprise Gloria and Manny's only task was to take care of Gloria, because she was not allowed to leave the kitchen.

„Ohh Manny. Take care!", Gloria said sensitive. „I'll do it.", she took a rag out of this kitchen, when she saw Jay in a beautiful suit. „What a rare sight.", she said impressed and surprised.

„Gloria.", Jay began. „Can you remember how I made you a proposal?", he comes closer to Gloria. „Of course I do.", she said irritated. She imitated the voice of Jay and said: „Manny! Give me this thing! And he gave you the ring. How could I forgot such an emotional and heartbreaking moment?", ironic spoke out of her voice.

„Well, I think you can forget this moment.", Jay went on his knees.

„Manny? Can you please give me ring?", Jay asked friendly. „Here you are.", squeaked Manny excited.

Jay thanked Manny and looked at Gloria.

„A love so deep, nothing else like it.

Scars go deep, but they can't find it.

Flame so bright make the daylight look dark.

Cross my heart, that I'll die for you.

Cross my heart, that I'll always keep you. Cross my heart, that I'll always love you. Will you marry me, again?", Jay asked with a heart full of love.

„Aren't this the lyrics from..", Manny began to ask, but Gloria interrupted him. „Of course I will!", she screamed happily. Jay stand up and hugged his already-wife. „I love you soooo much.", Gloria kissed Jay a hundred times. „This is the most beautiful thing you've ever done for me.", she kissed him again on the mouth.

„Urgh.", Manny said disgusted. „You already had breakfast, Mom. I'll get Joe his food.", he took the bowl and goes to the stairs.

„We pretend, that this not belong to this wonderful gesture.", Gloria said seriously. Jay agreed and nudded.

„I am the most happiest woman today.", Gloria screamed. „Te quiero", Jay said. „Ayyy.", Gloria hugged Jay extremely.

„We have to say it.", whispered Mitchell to Cameron. „I know.", whispered Cameron back. „But we'll hurt her feelings."

„Well, my eyes are hurting too. This looks so crazy.", Mitchell said.

Mitchell and Cam were sitting in the kitchen and are discussing about the haircut from Lily.

She was sitting in the living room and was watching a show for children.

„That's all you're fault.", accused Cameron Mitchell. „What?", Mitchell asked with a highly voice. „Well, is it my hairgel or yours?", Cameron asked reproachful. Mitchell shooked his head and said nothing. He knew that it was his fault, but he didn't want to admit it. „I'll do it.", Mitchell finally said.

Mitchell remembered last year, when they wanted to change the picture above the mantelpiece and Lily always made this weird forced smile.

The situation right now was pretty similar and Mitchell knew that it'll be hard.

„Lily?", Mitchell said sensitive. „Yes, Daddy?", Lily asked playfully and looked at her Dad. „Uhmm..", stammered Mitchell. He couldn't bring it over his heart, he didn't want to hurt Lily's feelings. „I want to talk with you about this.", he made circle movements and showed to her hair.

„You like it?", Lily asked and stands up. She rotated herself proudly. „Well, I think, I liked your old haircut more than this.", smiled Mitchell.

„What?", Lily asked unconvincingly.

„I, I just wanted to say uhm.. Didn't you think, that you were looking cuter, when you had your old haircut?", Mitchell looked at the mess on Lily's Head. Her strands were muddled up and showed in all devices. It looked like a hurricane swept about Lily' s head and her hair were the remains. Cameron stood in the door and listened attentively. He was very proud of Mitchell, because it has not been his strength to teach someone carefully about his mistakes.

„Hmm..", thought Lily. „Maybe I should check my hair in the mirror.", she jumped on and ran in the bathroom.

Cameron ran with open arms to his husband and hugged him. „You did so well.", he said proudly. „Well, that was nothing.", Mitchell answered pejoratively. „You should see me, when I..", Mitchell began to tell, but Cam interrupted him: „Well, we don't want to over act.", he knocked Mitchell on the shoulders.

After Cameron had brought Lily to School, he and Mitchell were sitting in the living room. Mitchell had lost his job and Cameron had a free day. Cameron works as sport teacher and football coach at the school from Alex and Luke.

Cameron wore a purple white checkered shirt and Mitchell a dark pullover and jeans.

„So, do you think we're ready for this?", asked Cameron skeptically.

„Of course we are.", replied Mitchell and checked his hair.

„But from which country?", Cameron asked. „I don't know. But not from Asia, that would be confusing for Lily.", Mitchell answered.

„Maybe from Europe? I heard good things from German boys.", Cameron laughed and looked out of the window. Mitchell thought about it and said finally: „Yes, why not? I hope an au-pair is the right thing for Lily."

After her doctor appointment Claire went back home and was really in a turmoil. How should she explain the news to Phil or the kids?

„Hello!", shouted Claire. „Is anybody home?", she hoped that Phil was at home and the kids were still in the school.

„In the kitchen, Honey.", Phil shouted back.

„How was your doctor appointment?", he asked friendly, when Claire entered the kitchen.

Claire said nothing and just went due in the living room. She lay down on the couch and groaned. Worried about his wife, Phil went afterwards her. „Hey.", he stroked gently Claire's forehead. „Is everything alright?", he asked worried.

„No!", Claire screamed.

Phil took his wife in his arms and comforted her.

„I'm pregnant!, Claire's eyes filled with tears.

Phil hugged is wife and said: „Ohh this is wonderful, Honey.", he smiled at his wife. „Really?", Claire asked resolved. „Of course.", assured Phil. „Even if that means that I have to wait with running nude in my house."

Claire laughed, she felt so happy in this moment. She had fear, that Phil probably say, that he don't want to have another baby, but she had been mistaken.

At the evening, when Alex, Luke and Haley came back from school and community college, Phil and Claire summarized their courage together and asked their children to come in the living room and take seat on the couch.

„Well, you might know what's different with us.", Phil began.

Claire had told him, that she's already in the second month. He though that Alex or Haley might noticed something. Alex, Haley and Luke changed a look and Haley said determined: „Yes we know, Dad. And of course we wanted to talk to you, about this thing."

„I, I wouldn't say thing.", Claire said.

„We know that you are in a difficult age.", spoke Luke.

Claire couldn't believe that her child's already know about the baby in her belly. „I mean it's obvious. In the last time you had forgotten so many things and you're always hungry.", said Alex compassionate. „Yes and I really do not pay attention on it, but you ran very often on the toilet.", added Luke.

„You're obviously in your midlife crisis.", ended Haley and hugged her father.

„No! I'm not having a midlife crisis!", Phil said horrified.

„Ohh." said Alex, Haley and Luke simultaneously. „But..", Alex began. „Why are we having this conversation?", she ended.

„Because..", Phil held in to raise the tension. „We're having a baby.", blurted it out of Claire.

„What?", Haley sounded shocked.

„You're so old and oh my god, this baby will be twenty one years younger than be. The people will think it's my baby."

„Well my half brother is forty three years younger than me and my stepmother is two years younger, so your so to speak grandmother is younger than your real mother! I think I have the bigger problems.", Claire said a little bit too loudly.

„No matter, how big the age difference will be, we'll love our little brother or hopefully sister.", Alex said. The three stand up from the couch and closed her mother firmly in the arm. „We love you.", Alex, Haley and Luke said.

„Thank you.", Claire whispered overjoyed. She felt very warm around her heart.

„This is so cute.", raved Phil. „But we expect twins!", he shouted.

„What?", the kids screamed stunned.

So this was my first chapter, I hope you all enjoyed it.

Sorry, if there are (and there will be some) grammar or typographical errors. This was my first story that I wrote and publish in English (I'm German, if anybody cares). But in time I'll getting better and there will be less mistakes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Big announcements**

Exhausted opened Jay the door to his house. „It feels so good, to be finally at home.", he said  
Gloria stormed on her red high heels to the door and shooing Jay away. „You can't come in.", she said. „I, I'm giving a party. A party for women."  
„And?", Jay asked irritated. „You have to go! You can come in three or maybe four hours back.", she closed the door behind him and ran carefully back into the living room.

 _Jay: „Sometimes, I don't understand my wife. I mean it's my house, she can't kick me out. I had a really busy day and all I wanted was to go in my house and lay down on the couch. And then, five seconds later, I'm outside again._  
 _So, the question is, who's the real men in this household?_  
 _And I guess that's not me. "_

„Is he gone?", a lady with long black hair asked, she sounds a little bit inebriated. „Yes, Carmen!", Gloria shouted and shakes her hip.  
The living room was filled with Spanish looking women. On the table were many glasses and five bottles filled with the best champagne from all over California.  
„Who's next?", an elderly lady asked. She was the only one, who doesn't look Spanish. She took a black case from the floor, lay him on the table and lastly opened him.  
„This is Fred. So I call him. You see he's black and big. But the size is not the most important point about him, he's also very thick. And when you turn him on, he shakes around, once to himself."  
„Ayy, caramba!", Gloria laughed and takes a nip of her glass.  
Gloria was giving a sort of a Tupperware Party. But not with Tupper, it's more like silicon. The older looking women went to Gloria's friend Carmen, who was sitting on the couch. „Wanna try?", the women asked. „No, thank you.", Carmen laughed and shooked her head. „Give it to me!", another friend of Gloria said. Her name was Juanita and she was a little bit older than Gloria. „Well.", the older women replied. She went to Juanita and gave her the toy. „You can turn it on, when-", she began. „I know how this works. ", Juanita interrupted her. The other lady's screamed and laughed loudly. „What?", Juanita looked around. „It's good stuff." „Okay.", Gloria dragged the word in the length. „I'll get us more to drink.", she stands up and went into the kitchen.  
Gloria took two more bottles of the champagne, as Carmen came into the kitchen. „It's very hot in there.", she said and waved her hands. „I think I'll buy some for me. I can buy one or two for you too, as a wedding gift.", she hiccupped. „Well.", Gloria moved to Carmen. „I think you got enough to drink today. And no thanks, everything's working between Jay and me."

After deciding to have an au-pair from Germany, Cameron looked up the internet for a good guy. He should be smart, have experience with children, speak at least three languages and his face shouldn't be too ugly. Finally, he would remain for several months.  
On the other side of the table sat Mitchell, who was also at his Notebook, but he was searching for a job offer. It had always been his dream to work as a lawyer, but he also wanted to do something good for the environment.  
„Ohh. Wow.", he said astonished.  
Cameron looked up from his desktop. „Did you find something?", he asked.  
„Yes!", Mitchell said a little bit too loud. „It's not just something, it's the thing. It's a job at the city council. For Parks and Recreation. I mean, I always wanted to something good for the environment this my chance."  
Mitchell turned his Notebook to Cameron, so he could show him the job advertisement.  
„Oh my god!", Cameron screamed.  
„I know it's just perfect. Isn't it?", Mitchell asked hopefully.  
„Yes absolutely. I mean look at his abs.", Cameron chuckled.  
„At his what?", Mitchell asked annoyed, because it seems, that Cameron didn't listened to him.  
Cameron turned his desktop to Mitchell and pointed on the body of the guy.  
„Did you even listened to me? I mean you wanted me to get a job as soon as possible and than I'll show the perfect offer and you just don't care.", Mitchell turned his desktop back to him and after over thinking he added: „Well, he's not bad." He chuckled briefly but than he turned back serious, because he needed to be strong against Cameron.  
„I know. I'll write him.", Cameron also turned his desktop back to himself.  
„But of course you should apply for the job offer. I mean if it is what you wanted than don't lose more time."  
A little smile came up on Mitchell's face as he said: „Thank you."  
The both finished their work on the Notebooks and than stand up from their chairs.  
Cameron wore a green checkered shirt and jeans.  
Mitchell also wore a shirt but in a simple dark blue tone, combined with dark pants.  
„We should pick up Lily from school, so that we are on time at Jay and Gloria.", Mitchell said. Mitchell is always punctually, he never comes too late to anything. For the most part, he is thirty minutes earlier.  
„You're right.", agreed Cameron and added: „Do you have any idea what the both want announce today?"  
„No idea.", Mitchell answered thoughtfully. „Maybe she's pregnant. Again.", he laughed loudly.  
Cameron just chuckled and nodded his head.

 _Claire: „We decided to keep my pregnancy as a secret. Because I'm not the youngest anymore and -"_  
 _Phil: „Yes, you're very old for a baby and the risk is very high but -"_  
 _Claire: „Thank you Honey. So, if I'm still pregnant after the third pregnancy month, we'll tell the rest of the family. Alex, Haley and Luke promised to keep there mouth close and I hope they'll keep their promise. We will definitely tell it to no one. No matter what comes, no one will know that I'm pregnant. No way!"_  
 _Phil: „Let's hope you're not gonna be so thick."_

It rang on the door and Luke ran downstairs. He carefully opened the door a little gap, so that the person outside can't see him.  
„Yes?", he asked.  
„Hi!", a little girl screamed happily. „May I come in?", she asked hopefully and her blonde ponytail hopped. She wore a shirt with a rainbow and the inscription »Happy to be born«. She also wore a little black fold rock. She seems to be a little bit younger than Luke.  
„Oh. It's you", Luke replied quietly. He looked to his back and checked if no one is behind him.  
„This is the automatically door opener of the Dunphy household. Unfortunately is no one at home right now. I beg you to come another time.", Luke imitated the voice a roboter.  
„Really?", the girl asked implausible. „I can see your hair, Luke."  
Luke closed the door and lean on the door. He breathed deeply in and out.  
„Let me in!", the girl screamed very loud. „You damn asshole! I will fuck your life! You are a damn bastard! Let me in you son of a bitch!", she beat virgorous against the door. „Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you, Luke Dunphy!, the girl yelled hysterical. Luke could feel the beats she made on the door. Suddenly it stops; no more yelling, no more beating.  
„Who the hell was that?", Haley asked interested as she came up from the basement. „Just a groupie.", Luke answered quickly.  
Haley starred irritated to Luke, as he passed her. Luke went upstairs and closed the door of his room behind him. Haley went in the kitchen to get something to eat. Today was her free day, because Jay and Gloria invited the whole family to them.  
Haley opened the fridge and looked inside, but it was only healthy food in inside and she had appetite on something sweet. She closed the fridge and suddenly saw something in a bag from a bakery. She took it and then opened it. Three Donuts were inside it, she looked around herself, checking if somebody was watching her. She sat down on a stool on the counter and eat one after one. All of a sudden, her mother Claire entered the Kitchen. Haley quickly stand up. She scrunched up the bag and hide it in her pocket. Claire looked first at her oldest daughter, then to the place where the donuts should be and finally back to her daughter.  
„Did you eat all of the donuts?", she asked reproachfully.  
„No?", Hayley answered and raised her voice at the end of the word, like it was a question.  
„But I can see all the powder on your clothes.", continued Claire.  
„Well, that's cocaine.", Haley quickly went out of the kitchen and ran down the stairs into the basement.  
Claire just rolled her eyes.  
„Honey? ", she asked Phil, as he came into the kitchen. „Can you please tell Luke, that we have to go. Before we drive to Gloria and Jay, we have to pick up Alex from her bass lessons."  
„Of course.", he nodded and kissed his wife on her forehead.

„Luke?", Phil knocked on the door of his son. „It's open.", replied Luke.  
Phil opened the door and entered the room. „Please come down. We have to pick up Alex from her bass lesson.", Phil said. Luke laughed hardly and turned his notebook to his dad. „Wait.", he began. „First you have to see this. It's clearly the funniest video of the year.", after thinking he added: „Well, it's January, so definitely the best of the first six months."  
Excited sat Phil down next to Luke on his bed. „It's a video about a guy, who's coming back from the toilet and his employees scared him. Then he's having a heart attack and while he gets down, he farts all the time. In the hospital, the doctor tells him, that he had a fart attack.", Luke looked expectantly at his father and tries to hold back his laugh.  
„That's hilarious.", agreed Phil and laughed hardly.  
„But now-", he stands up and opened the door. „We have to go, I'm sorry dude, but you know your mom. She can be very scary."  
Luke stands up too and closed his notebook.  
„Phil, Luke!", Claire yelled. „Come on! We'll come too late!"

Frustrated entered Jay his house.  
„Hello?", he asked loudly. „Anybody home?" Gloria came out of the kitchen and said: „I'm here. I'm preparing dinner for the family."  
„Are your friends gone?", Jay asked, as he pulled his shoes off. „Yes!", Gloria answered. Exhausted hauled Jay himself in the living room and dropped his body on the couch. „What's this?", he whispered, as he feels something on his leg. He stands up and fished in the couch. He fetched something out, hold it in the air and looked at it. He didn't knew what it was.  
„Ohh, you're busy.", Cameron said, as he came into the living room.  
„What?", Jay asked confused and then he realised what he was holding in his hands. „Oh my god!", he threw it away and shaked his hands off.

 _Cameron: „I always knew, that Jay has a deeply sexual Demand. It was just a Question of time, until it would come out. And I'm very happy, that he showed this site of him to me."_

„Is it too much, to be just a second alone at home, so that I can relax?", Jay asked himself. He answered himself, like he thought Gloria would do it: „Of course it is. You have a family. You have responsibility."  
Jay groaned and leaved the living room, to see who is already arrived.

„Hi, Dad.", Mitchell welcomed his father. „How are you?"  
„Good. Everything's good.", he gave his son a short hug. „Don't show us too much feelings.", Gloria said and brought some Canapé in the living room.  
„Hello Jay.", Cameron said with his masculine voice. I see you're finished." Jay rolled his eyes and looked at the clock. Claire and Phil are already ten minutes too late.  
„Mom?", Manny shouted, as he came down out of his room. „Mom?", he shouted a second time.  
„Yes?", she screamed back.  
„Joe's nappy is full and it stinks."  
„Well, if you want a good smell, than you have to change his nappy!", she screamed back out of the living room.  
„Urgh.", Manny whispered and went back upstairs.

Ten minutes later it rang on the door.  
„We're so sorry, Dad.", Claire excused. „I know, that you hate it, when someone comes too late."  
„Hello Grandpa.", Alex, Haley and Luke said one after another.  
„Hello, Kids.", he touched everyone on their head.  
„Where is Phil?", Jay asked irritated.  
„Oh, he just forget something in the car.", Claire answered.

„So.", Gloria began. „Now where everyone is here, Jay and I would like to announce something to you."  
The whole family was standing in the living room, Manny was holding Joe in his arms.  
„We will renew our Marriage.", she ended her sentence proudly. Everyone clapped in his hands.  
„Wow.", Mitchell said. „That's wonderful."  
„I'm so happy for you.", Cameron congratulated.  
„I'm pregnant!", Claire screamed and everybody looked shocked at her.


End file.
